Q&A with Midlife Conference speaker Laura Cleminson

“I read as many books on death and dying as I do on community-building.”

Laura Cleminson, founder of the Pre-Dead Social Club

“I read as many books on death and dying as I do on community-building.”

Eight years ago, when Laura Cleminson was in her mid-50’s, her mother was diagnosed with Stage 4 ovarian cancer.  She called Laura to tell her she had about 3 months left to live. It was in the months that followed that Laura realized how unprepared she was for dealing with death, and as a result, how to support her mother.

The last time Laura spoke to her mom before she died, her mother shared, “I have lived a good life and I have lived a simple life. I have no regrets and I am ok to die.” Laura marveled at her mother’s clarity and grace with her mortality and how she, her dad and sister all handled death so differently.  “After my mom died I got curious—really curious—how do people talk about death and dying? How can we all be on the same team? ” That’s when Laura became a death doula and founded the Pre-Dead Social Club.

What is the Pre-Dead Social Club?

It’s a club to talk about death. There’s no barrier to entry because, after all, we’re all going to die some day! We do this by building community across a different series of events, like “Death Over Drinks”, “We Wish We Knew That!” and “DEAD-LINES.” Together, we’re helping to bring the conversation about death out of the shadows.  I often joke that I’ve built a “gym for death”. Just like the gym, most of us don’t always go every day, but you know the gym, and in our case—the Pre-Dead Social Club—is there, and you can show up when you need it.

Tell me a little bit about the folks who attend these events. What are they looking for?

It’s multi-generational. A typical event will have folks from their late 20’s to early 90’s join the die-a-logue to talk about death,dying and end-of-life. In just one short year since I founded the Pre-Dead Social Club, nearly 500 people plugged into what we are offering to share stories from what they’ve witnessed or experienced, their questions and fears—about death and dying. People are grateful that these aren’t grief sessions (although we do have tender moments for sure) and appreciate being able to talk about death, because all too often their loved ones don’t want to. It’s really pretty simple, they have been looking for others to have these important conversations with.

What have you seen folks take away from the conversations and the act of participating in them with strangers?

First and foremost, they gain clarity on the differences between death and dying—death  being an event, and dying being a process without a clear timeline, and the potential for more complications along the way. One recent participant told me, ‘I now see that the most important decisions and conversations come long before a funeral.’

Participants benefit from hearing many perspectives,   too. The beauty of talking to strangers  is that we don’t have the emotional attachments. It can be freeing. In fact, one recent participant told me that ‘The Pre-Dead Social Club is the organization I didn’t know I needed’.

You infuse humor into your work around death and dying. Why is that important to you?

Death is deeply personal and we are so out of practice talking about it, so it’s uncomfortable. If I can get people to smile or laugh when they see our logo or hear me talk about “die-a-logues” then they’re likely more receptive to hearing me share something about death and dying.

Norm Macdonald famously, and hilariously (in my opinion) once said, “My dad died, my grandfather died, my great-grandfather died. And the guy before him…I don’t know? Probably died? I come from a long line of death, that’s my point.” This sort of honest, satirical reckoning with the inevitable is often the kind of entry point many of us need to gather the strength we need to talk about death. 

Your session at this year’s Midlife Conference is called, “We’re all going to die some day; let’s die-a-logue about it!” What do you hope folks will take away?

I’m going to ask everyone to look at dying from three sides—their own, that of a loved one and that of a caregiver. Caregiving is, after all, something nearly all of us are going to have to do at some point. So, I want people to get clarity on what they’re willing to do and what they feel like they can’t do, honestly and realistically with the benefit of a wider lens. . I also want to remind people that we have the ability to expand who or what can support us in the dying process.